1 00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:05,205 How many have ordered D VDs and haven't paid? 2 00:00:05,297 --> 00:00:06,625 - Claire. - Uh, yeah. 3 00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:09,751 - I could stop by on my way to school. - It's really important. 4 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:13,295 Um... Uh, Cheryl, can I call you back? 5 00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:16,425 Okay. Great. Bye. Yes, Phil. What? 6 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,138 I was going through your drawer in the bathroom looking for some lip stuff... 7 00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:20,936 - 'cause my... - Lips were dry. 8 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,978 - God, you know me. - Phil. 9 00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:26,149 Remember the spa certificates we got at the children's hospital auction? 10 00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:29,152 - Mm-hmm. - Well, look at this. They expire tomorrow. 11 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,479 Oh, well, what are you gonna do? 12 00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:34,243 Claire, I don't think you're grasping the magnitude of this package... 13 00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:36,153 valued at over $250. 14 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,154 - Sweetie... - If you don't use 'em... 15 00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:40,286 then all our money just goes to charity. 16 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:45,451 Somewhere between dropping off Alex at orchestra and picking up Luke from practice... 17 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,834 oh, and burning a bunch of D VDs of the talent show... 18 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:50,628 I'm gonna what, pop in for a quick salt scrub? 19 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:52,544 I thought Cheryl was doing the D VDs. 20 00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:55,209 She's supposed to, but somehow she's got me doing it. 21 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:58,639 Here's what you do. You say, "Cheryl, no can do today. 22 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:01,679 - Need a little me time." Have you met Cheryl? 23 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:05,638 That'll be my new nickname. I'll be Claire "Me Time" Dunphy. It's not worth the headache. 24 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,769 - Just say you're sick. - Then I'll run into her and it'll be a whole thing. 25 00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:11,233 If that happens, say you were on your way to the pharmacy. 26 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,113 Phil, darling, no. Not helping. 27 00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,107 Fine. I'll give them to Florence Gunderman at work. 28 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,403 Her hands are gross ever since she took up the banjo. 29 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:20,784 Hey, Mom, I need some money for lunch. We're all gonna go... 30 00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:23,031 Oh, my God! Take off my sweater! Mom, tell her to take it off! 31 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,584 Alex, take it off. 32 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:27,788 - Last week she wore my sweatshirt without asking. - That is true. 33 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,545 Oh, please, that was an honor for your stupid old sweatshirt. 34 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,626 It was the first time the top half got any exercise. 35 00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:36,922 Now, Mom, that's my favorite sweater. I just got it. 36 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:40,098 You know what you girls need to learn to do? You need to learn to share. 37 00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,176 Because that's what sisters do. 38 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,594 All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater. 39 00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:46,681 Right, Alex? Hmm? 40 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,232 Okay, fine. 41 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:51,650 Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy T-shirt... 42 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:54,488 the one with the guy from Back to the Future on it. 43 00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:58,108 That's Albert Einstein. And it is not nerdy. 44 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,031 Well... 45 00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,039 Hi. 46 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:06,041 - Hey, Daddy. How was the farmer's market? - Well, it was great. 47 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,246 - But guess what the new spinach is. - Um, radicchio? 48 00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,745 - Kale. - No! 49 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,880 I know. I was just as blown away as you are. 50 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:18,095 Oh! Well, I guess we're going to have to adopt... yay... 51 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:19,591 a new attitude towards kale. 52 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:22,635 Maybe we'll even adopt... a new vinaigrette. 53 00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,220 Adopt. Yay! 54 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,351 Okay, what's going on here? 55 00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:29,522 I'm taking the negative charge out of the word "adopted." Yay. 56 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:30,936 What did Oprah do now? 57 00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:34,858 She had a girl on who at 16 found out that she was adopted... 58 00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,023 and felt betrayed and ran away and became a stripper... 59 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,606 and not the heart-of-gold kind, the by-the-airport kind. 60 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,361 Okay. 61 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,410 All right, go get your gavel, Judge Judy. 62 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:47,080 No, not at all. I'm adopting... Ah... 63 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,409 a tolerant attitude toward your flights of lunacy. 64 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,542 Adopting! Yay! 65 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,541 66 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,626 67 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,758 68 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,719 69 00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:01,968 70 00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:07,928 Alex, come on. Hurry up. The later we are, the more Cheryl texts me to do. 71 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,310 I'm coming. I'm coming. 72 00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:13,602 - Tell me again why the violin just wasn't you. - It's too happy. 73 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,104 74 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,484 - Oh, my God. - Okay, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Let's see. 75 00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:22,069 It might not be a big deal. Here we go. Let's see. Oh! Okay. 76 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,319 - Is it bad? - No, it's gonna be fine. 77 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,907 You're gonna be okay. 78 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,492 Oh, honey. 79 00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:30,074 - Hey, I forgot my phone. - Hi. 80 00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:32,541 - What? - Nothing. I love you. 81 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:35,998 So weird. You better not spill anything on that. Okay, dork? 82 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:39,294 Relax. Half the 11 th grade's been inside this sweater. 83 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,761 - More than anything... 84 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:43,847 I want my girls to stop fighting and be close. 85 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:48,511 I want them to share clothes and do each ether's hair and gossip about boys... 86 00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:50,596 like I used to do with Mitchell. 87 00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:54,358 Gloria, let's go! Let's go! Let's go! 88 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,981 Hey, Jay, have you noticed a spring in my step? 89 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,858 Oh, kids say cruel things. That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way. 90 00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:03,816 No. We have something in common. I'm seeing a younger woman. 91 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:06,236 - How much younger are we talking about? - Thirteen months. 92 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:07,824 Her name's Chloe. 93 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:10,453 - She makes me feel like a fifth grader again. - Good for you, kid. 94 00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:14,872 Mmm. There they are... my two dirty old men. 95 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,872 Hey, pretty soon you're gonna be north of 40... 96 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,922 and I'm gonna have to trade you in for a newer model. 97 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:21,927 - Am I right, buddy? - That's my mother, Jay. 98 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,590 You ready? 99 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,717 It's such a beautiful day. Why do we have to do this? 100 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:30,059 Because when this thing is behind us, we never have to think about it again. 101 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,520 - Come on. 102 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,229 I went to a funeral last Saturday... 103 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:36,269 and it got me thinking about where Gloria and I were gonna end up after we die. 104 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:40,488 - Yeah, it's been a fun week. - I don't like loose ends. So I made a few calls. 105 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:44,404 I found these people selling a couple of primo plots in the best cemetery in town. 106 00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,402 Not that I'm gonna go there anytime soon. 107 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,072 Don't be so sure. 108 00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:50,203 With all that bacon that he eats. 109 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,042 Well, I gotta give my cholesterol pills something to do. 110 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,416 Mmm. Mmm. I don't care how much they promote it. 111 00:04:57,506 --> 00:05:00,258 Kale is a garnish. It's not ready to anchor a meal. 112 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,584 - Look at this. - Oh, my God! 113 00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:05,382 Lily's little hat that we bought her at the airport in Vietnam. 114 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,797 - Remember how cute she looked? - Remember how I used to wear it... 115 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,180 - and walk around and act like I had a giant head? - Mm-hmm. 116 00:05:10,269 --> 00:05:12,345 - That was good acting. - Oh! 117 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:15,937 - What are you doing? - I'm putting together a scrapbook of how Lily became ours. 118 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:19,191 Her adoption certificates and pictures of her from her village... 119 00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:22,444 all out in the open, so she has nothing to be ashamed of. 120 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:25,651 - You leaving that on all day? - And I'm also gonna write a little storybook... 121 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:29,028 something I can read her at bedtime... called "Two Monkeys and a Panda." 122 00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,113 - Oh. - She's the panda because she's Asian. 123 00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:33,744 - And we're monkeys because... - I can draw monkeys. 124 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,455 Okay. Well, I think this is a great project... 125 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:38,952 and I believe you are gonna finish it. 126 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,336 - Oh, my God! - What? 127 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,133 Lily's adoption certificate. 128 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:45,590 - Her name is Lily Tucker Pritchett. - Right. 129 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:49,262 Not Tucker-hyphen-Pritchett like it's supposed to be. 130 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:53,217 First name, Lily. Middle name, Tucker. Last name, Pritchett. 131 00:05:53,312 --> 00:05:57,060 - Well, that can't be right. - This is a legal document. 132 00:05:57,149 --> 00:06:00,233 She only has your last name. My name's just a middle name. 133 00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:03,236 - Stay calm. Don't get upset. - Nobody knows anyone's middle name. 134 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:04,816 - Quick. What's my middle name? - Scott. 135 00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:08,572 - Of course you know mine. We're a couple. - This is obviously a mistake. 136 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:10,949 But you're the one who filled out this paperwork. 137 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,822 You don't make mistakes like this. You correct mistakes like this. 138 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:17,871 You did this on purpose. 139 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:19,420 What? 140 00:06:19,505 --> 00:06:22,422 You buried my name so your name could have top billing. 141 00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:26,422 No, I am not gonna sit here and listen to you accuse me of something so horrible. 142 00:06:26,512 --> 00:06:28,800 It makes so much sense now... 143 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,510 why you wanted to fill out all these legal forms. 144 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,173 Well, I'm a lawyer. I fill out all the legal forms... 145 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,939 ever since you signed up for a 12-year gym membership. 146 00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,433 The more you spend, the more you save. 147 00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,858 All the women at work were too busy to use the certificates. 148 00:06:46,949 --> 00:06:50,898 So I called the spa and asked them to extend the expiration date. 149 00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:54,446 But they said no. Really? 150 00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:57,161 Here's something they didn't count on: 151 00:06:57,251 --> 00:07:00,536 You mess with Phil Dunphy, the claws come out. 152 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,634 You have very nice hands. Soft like lady's. 153 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:10,052 Thank you, Kim. I appreciate that. 154 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,760 My wife never seems to notice. 155 00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:19,888 This is it. Ta-da! 156 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,559 What is "ta-da"? 157 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,975 I'm just saying this is it. Ta-da. 158 00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:25,694 "Ta-da" is when you do a flip... 159 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:29,065 or where the magician cuts the pretty lady in half... 160 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:32,573 not when you show someone where you want to shove their dead body. 161 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:35,995 I'm not gonna argue the proper use of "ta-da." This is it. 162 00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:38,537 Seriously? In the file cabinet? 163 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,745 It's called a crypt. And how are you not getting how great this is? 164 00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:43,711 We're four down from Bugsy Siegel. 165 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:47,000 No. I'm not going into any wall. I'm going in the ground. 166 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:50,876 Sorry. Not me. There's enough not to like about death without adding dirt and worms. 167 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,880 The whole thing gives me the willies. 168 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,096 You die, you go to the ground. 169 00:07:55,184 --> 00:07:57,509 It's natural. You go back to the earth. 170 00:07:57,603 --> 00:08:00,687 - Here you're just a mushy bag of bones... 171 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,564 rotting away for all eternity. 172 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,602 Sorry for your loss. 173 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:09,268 Can we get the hell out of here? 174 00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:11,440 What am I supposed to tell the guy? 175 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:15,697 Tell them we don't want our bodies inside these drawers where God cannot find us. 176 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:19,203 These are not like our drawers at home. People can find things in these. 177 00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:21,663 I'm thinking of getting bangs. 178 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:25,168 Ooh, you totally should. You would be so cute with bangs. 179 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,960 - You have the face for it. I don't. 180 00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:30,457 Oh, there's my better half. Kim, would you mind? 181 00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:32,794 Thank you. - You're welcome. 182 00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:36,138 - Hey, honey, where are you? - Oh, I'm on my way to Downey. 183 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:39,344 Oh. Did you know Karen and Richard Carpenter grew up in Downey? 184 00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,603 What a random and not helpful fact, Phil. 185 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,311 I'm sorry. I'm having kind of a rough day. 186 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,559 Yeah, I'm kind of having a rough day myself. 187 00:08:47,653 --> 00:08:49,610 188 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:52,104 Look, Phil, I need you to take care of dinner for me. 189 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:55,366 - What's wrong? - Alex ripped Haley's favorite sweater... 190 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,445 and now I'm driving around from store to store... 191 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:59,577 trying to find the exact same one before Haley finds out. 192 00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:02,156 Don't do that. Just explain to her what happened. 193 00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,824 - Uh-uh. Haley's not gonna understand. - Sure, she will. 194 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,877 No, Phil, you don't understand. 195 00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:09,252 I'm trying to avoid this turning into a whole big thing. 196 00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:12,176 Then just get her something close. She'll never know the difference. 197 00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:15,464 Phil, could you just take care of dinner, sweetie? That's all I'm asking. 198 00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,928 I'm just saying there's a simpler way to do this. 199 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:20,638 There is no simpler way. Just make dinner. Thank you. 200 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:23,100 - - Hello? 201 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,975 What? 202 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,357 Mr. Pritchett! 203 00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:33,696 We're the Rutledges, the ones selling the spots. 204 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,526 Hi. Hi. 205 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,526 Oh, my gosh. Look, honey. 206 00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,030 I hadn't heard. 207 00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:40,532 Martin is in. 208 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:44,537 - Well, look at that. - I'm sorry. Is that a friend of yours? 209 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,461 We've made a point to get to know everyone in the neighborhood. 210 00:09:47,546 --> 00:09:50,666 We think it makes it less awkward, you know, later. 211 00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,750 Oh, I'm sorry. This is my wife, Gloria. 212 00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,670 Oh. 213 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:58,759 I'm Ed, and this is my bunk. 214 00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:03,511 And this is my loving wife and devoted mother of three, Winnie. 215 00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:06,770 - She'll be here. Well, I don't know what our lineup is yet. 216 00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:10,689 But at home I sleep on the right side, so probably there. 217 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:15,653 We don't mean to be rude, but you seem to be much younger than your husband. 218 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:18,148 - You're not rude. I'm very much younger. - Is that a problem? 219 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:20,366 Well, it's just that there's a good chance... 220 00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:23,289 you'll be moving in long before she would. 221 00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:26,789 Our concern is, your wife remarries... 222 00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:29,249 and she wants to be laid to rest with her new husband. 223 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:32,255 So she sells this spot to the highest bidder. 224 00:10:32,341 --> 00:10:34,832 And we're left lying next to a complete stranger... 225 00:10:34,927 --> 00:10:37,334 without even so much as a formal "how do you do?" 226 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,422 Gloria, tell them you're in. 227 00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:41,092 I don't know, Jay. 228 00:10:41,183 --> 00:10:43,425 I think they have a very good point. 229 00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:45,428 And they're not crazy at all. 230 00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,430 What do you mean they have a good point? 231 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,432 I don't think this is going to work. 232 00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:51,980 Good luck getting someone into your drawers. 233 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:52,903 234 00:10:52,903 --> 00:10:54,527 235 00:10:57,783 --> 00:11:01,697 It occurs to me that I may have gotten a little too upset... 236 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:05,535 and jumped to some conclusions that were perhaps not true. 237 00:11:05,624 --> 00:11:07,118 I realize now... 238 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:12,369 that you would never intentionally do something so unthinkable, so... 239 00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:16,122 I just wanted to say I'm sorry for accusing you. 240 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,219 - I did it. - I knew it. You two-faced... 241 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,760 - Let me explain. - There... There is no explanation. 242 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:24,719 There is just no excuse. I just wanna know why. 243 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:30,053 Okay. You know how some women say they forget how painful childbirth was? 244 00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:34,645 Well, I-I think that you were forgetting how panicked you were before we got Lily. 245 00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:37,274 - You were freaking out. - I was not. 246 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:40,982 So it says that we can put the mattress at one of three different levels. 247 00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:42,985 - Which one should we do? - I don't know. 248 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,118 Well, just think about how far down she should be... 249 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,123 I don't know. I can't do this! 250 00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:53,118 Okay. Oh, this latch system's great. 251 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,084 - What did people do before this? - I don't know. Stop asking me questions. 252 00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:59,626 - Cam... - I can't do this. I can't. 253 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,005 Well, I... I don't see what that has to do with anything. 254 00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:06,681 I was scared that it was just gonna all be too much for you... 255 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,678 and that you were gonna leave... 256 00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:11,308 and then I would be the one taking care of a baby... 257 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:15,016 and half of her last name would belong to the guy who left us. 258 00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,570 It was a mistake. I'm sorry. 259 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:21,063 I wanted to have it changed, but I needed to get your signature... 260 00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:24,741 and I was afraid that it would start a big fight and that you would hate me... 261 00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:33,871 Okay, I'm confused. You're saying that if she tells me she has a problem... 262 00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:37,248 - I'm not supposed to help her? - Not unless she asks for your help. 263 00:12:37,341 --> 00:12:40,010 But if she lets me help her, I can make her problem go away. 264 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:43,260 - Oh! That is such a male thing to say. 265 00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:45,885 - Well, forgive me for being a man. - Mm. 266 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:48,892 - Mango or kiwi? - Ooh, kiwi. 267 00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:51,764 When you say, "Do this or do that"... 268 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,560 all she's hearing is, "I'm smarter than you." 269 00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:56,726 - Believe me, she doesn't think that. - Mm. 270 00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:59,144 She doesn't want you to solve her problems. 271 00:12:59,238 --> 00:13:01,147 She just wants you to give her support... 272 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,149 so that she can solve her problems herself. 273 00:13:03,242 --> 00:13:07,489 Yes, and sometimes... sometimes she just wants a sympathetic ear. 274 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:10,414 - Whoa. Whoa. - Oh, yes. - Mm-hmm. 275 00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:13,416 Maybe it's all the creams, but that just made sense, girlfriends. 276 00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:15,957 - Okay, yeah. - So if Claire says... 277 00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:17,955 "I hate getting stuck in traffic"... 278 00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:21,168 I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should leave earlier." 279 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,252 - No. - Or, "Don't get on the freeway." 280 00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:26,928 I should just say, "I know. It's so frustrating." 281 00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:29,506 - Yes, that's it. - Really? - Yes! 282 00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:33,551 And if she says, "The waiter I had today was so rude"... 283 00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,853 I shouldn't say, "Maybe you should have just ordered... 284 00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,898 - something on the menu for once." - No. 285 00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:40,606 I should just say, "What a jerk." 286 00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:42,154 Yes! Yes! 287 00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:45,074 And if she says, "Phil, the TV's driving me crazy"... 288 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:49,108 I should just say, "I know. There is not enough quality programming for women." 289 00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:52,490 - No. Turn off the damn TV. - Yeah. Mm-hmm. 290 00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:54,955 Okay, now I'm confused again. 291 00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:59,879 - So I heard you had a rough time today. - Yeah, well... 292 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:02,123 Remember the days when we thought we'd live forever? 293 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:05,384 - Don't you wanna go play? - When do I ever play? 294 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:08,222 I'm kind of wrestling with this whole older man, younger woman thing. 295 00:14:08,307 --> 00:14:10,465 It's like Chloe and I grew up in different worlds. 296 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:13,762 Today I made a joke about the Wiggles. It went right over her head. 297 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,437 - I don't know what that is. - It's an expression. It means she didn't get it. 298 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,018 299 00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:22,727 Yeah, sometimes this age thing knocks you in the head. 300 00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:25,312 Is that what this is about? 301 00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:28,776 I always knew your mother might remarry after I'm gone. That never bothered me. 302 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:31,442 I figured her husbands would be your dad, me... 303 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,243 and some putz who could never live up to me. 304 00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:36,290 But what if I'm not the main guy? 305 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:40,291 What if some other guy is? What if I'm the putz? 306 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,338 When my mom and dad got divorced... 307 00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:44,997 do you have any idea how many guys chased after her? 308 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:47,169 The phone didn't stop ringing. 309 00:14:47,262 --> 00:14:49,006 Men would stop her on the street. 310 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:51,339 Guys would propose to her from moving cars. 311 00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:54,138 And they were good-looking guys, Jay, with money. 312 00:14:54,228 --> 00:14:56,683 - I think one of them was a Kennedy. - Where are you going with this? 313 00:14:56,772 --> 00:14:59,689 When you showed up, I didn't think you had a prayer. 314 00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:02,480 You were so nervous and sweaty, I felt sorry for you. 315 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,478 I had to climb three flights of stairs. 316 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:08,189 - But of all people, my mom fell for you. - I've got a few moves. 317 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:10,655 She said she fell in love with you during your first fight. 318 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,365 - What? - She said she'd finally met her match. 319 00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:14,570 Huh. 320 00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:18,579 So if you think she's just gonna replace you when you're gone... 321 00:15:18,669 --> 00:15:20,626 then you are the putz. 322 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:23,038 Thanks, kid. I appreciate that. 323 00:15:24,550 --> 00:15:26,542 - I thought you liked me when I first showed up. - Please. 324 00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:29,802 For the first month, I didn't even bother to learn your name. 325 00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:33,764 - Is she back yet? - She's on her way. 326 00:15:33,851 --> 00:15:36,805 - Did you find it? - I did... at the fifth store I went to. 327 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:40,264 It was in the window, and I had to undress a mannequin while a creepy guy filmed it... 328 00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,397 so we have that to look forward to on the Internet. 329 00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:44,524 - Thank you so much, Mom. - You're welcome. 330 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,102 Now go put that exactly where you found the other one, okay? 331 00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:48,691 Okay. Mwah. 332 00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:50,987 Uh-oh. 333 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,985 - What? - The security tag, it's still on. 334 00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:54,987 I told those people to take that off. 335 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,238 - Oh, no. - She's pulling into the driveway! 336 00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:59,574 Okay, it's fine. It's fine. Don't panic. I've got it. 337 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,910 - She's getting out of the car! - I am doing it. 338 00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:04,162 - I've almost got it. Oh, God. Oh, no. 339 00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:06,379 - What is that? - Well, it's ink. 340 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,091 - Hide it. 341 00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:09,719 She's in the house! 342 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,508 What are you doing with my sweater? Oh, my God! It's ruined! 343 00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:15,634 - It was an accident. - I knew this would happen. You idiot! 344 00:16:15,726 --> 00:16:17,718 Hey, hey. Let's try to get along. 345 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,720 I wish she was never even born. 346 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:22,435 They were trying to make one with a brain. 347 00:16:22,524 --> 00:16:23,473 - Ah! - Ah! 348 00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:27,647 Honey, you guys are both... pretty smart. 349 00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:31,071 Ah. Sheesh. 350 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,115 It's that sweater, huh? 351 00:16:33,202 --> 00:16:34,945 Yeah, it is that sweater. 352 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,788 And I did everything I can to stop them from fighting. 353 00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:41,456 I don't understand why they can't see how much you love them. 354 00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:44,663 I don't know. Meanwhile, Cheryl has been calling me all day... 355 00:16:44,755 --> 00:16:46,747 because she's angry I didn't show up. 356 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,920 Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a nanny? Why does she need so much help? 357 00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,636 I know, right? 358 00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:54,678 You work so hard. 359 00:16:54,765 --> 00:16:56,757 You do so much. 360 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,642 I do. 361 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,894 - Of course you do. - I do. 362 00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,605 I do. 363 00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:09,028 Oh, sweetie, thank you. I really appreciate that. 364 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,733 - Hey. - Yeah? 365 00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:15,569 Who's my gal? 366 00:17:15,661 --> 00:17:17,203 - I am. - Darn right. 367 00:17:17,287 --> 00:17:18,781 - Yeah. 368 00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,829 - Let me get this. 369 00:17:20,916 --> 00:17:25,044 Hey, by the way, do you notice anything different about me? 370 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,121 Uh-uh. 371 00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:28,625 Huh. 372 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,340 - Hmm. - What is it? 373 00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:31,801 Nothing. 374 00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:34,008 - A haircut. - A week ago. 375 00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,839 Okay, so tell me. 376 00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:37,758 Forget it. It's not important. 377 00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:40,305 - Okay. - I'll just go start dinner. 378 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,305 Listen, I've been thinking. 379 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:49,315 When I go, I want you to know... 380 00:17:49,403 --> 00:17:51,442 it's okay if you marry someone else. 381 00:17:51,530 --> 00:17:52,941 I know. 382 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:56,780 - Because I want you to be happy. - I'll be happy. 383 00:17:56,869 --> 00:17:58,861 You're driving me crazy on purpose, right? 384 00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,030 Jay, I'm not going to marry anyone else. 385 00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,958 That's what you say now. But no one knows what the future holds. 386 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,201 So I want you to have this. 387 00:18:06,295 --> 00:18:08,252 Ay, look at this. 388 00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:10,461 An empty coffee can. 389 00:18:10,549 --> 00:18:12,625 Do you know what men used to buy me? 390 00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:15,423 When I go, toss me in the fire... 391 00:18:15,512 --> 00:18:17,920 sweep up my ashes, stick 'em in that. 392 00:18:18,015 --> 00:18:19,592 Ta-da! 393 00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:22,091 - We need to talk about this "ta-da." 394 00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:27,554 'Cause I don't care if it's in a wall or if it's in the ground... 395 00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:29,856 just as long as I end up with you. 396 00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:32,019 Aw, Jay. 397 00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:37,572 It's perfect. Jay Pritchett sitting on the mantel... 398 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,403 in the old coffee can. 399 00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:42,745 That will drive the putz crazy, and I like that. 400 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:45,868 401 00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:47,453 402 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,421 Hey. 403 00:18:50,506 --> 00:18:53,590 Um, so for whatever it's worth... 404 00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:57,127 I called the adoption attorney... adoption, yay... 405 00:18:57,221 --> 00:18:59,344 and on Monday they're gonna start the process... 406 00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:02,681 of changing Lily's last name to Tucker-Pritchett. 407 00:19:02,768 --> 00:19:04,392 Great. 408 00:19:04,478 --> 00:19:07,598 Again, I'm... I'm so sorry. 409 00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,851 Okay. 410 00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:14,768 Um... Oh, I, uh... 411 00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:18,446 I took a quick pass at "Two Monkeys and a Panda." 412 00:19:18,534 --> 00:19:20,775 So just let me know what you think. 413 00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:24,949 "Once upon a time there were two monkeys. 414 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,789 They loved each other very much, but there was something missing." 415 00:19:28,877 --> 00:19:29,956 A hyphen? 416 00:19:31,213 --> 00:19:32,837 "They wanted a baby. 417 00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:36,422 And they heard that there was a very special baby in a faraway land... 418 00:19:36,510 --> 00:19:38,134 who needed a family. 419 00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:41,589 She was a panda named Lily. 420 00:19:41,682 --> 00:19:43,639 One of the monkeys was scared. 421 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,635 They'd never had a panda before. 422 00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:48,301 But they held Lily in their arms... 423 00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:51,481 and the scared monkey became the brave one. 424 00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,149 - And the two monkeys"... - Coco and Miko. 425 00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:57,942 - I'm sorry. What? - Coco and Miko are the names of the monkeys. 426 00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:01,235 Really? That doesn't seem like it's a little... 427 00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:05,027 Coco and Miko. I like that. I like that. 428 00:20:05,122 --> 00:20:07,161 Coco and Miko. Yeah. 429 00:20:07,249 --> 00:20:12,160 "They traveled all the way home with the perfect panda that they adopted." 430 00:20:13,672 --> 00:20:16,459 Did she just clap? She heard "adopted" and clapped. 431 00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:18,673 Cam, that's amazing. 432 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,465 Oh, my God. You did that. 433 00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:24,342 Wha... You did that. That is amazing. 434 00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,010 I can't believe that. 435 00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:29,600 And just like that, peace returned to our house. 436 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,602 Well, technically, it's my house, but... 437 00:20:33,692 --> 00:20:36,563 I-I will... I will fix that too. 438 00:20:39,615 --> 00:20:39,698 Once we finished writing the book, we realized something. 439 00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:42,450 Once we finished writing the book, we realized something. 440 00:20:42,534 --> 00:20:44,693 We're not the only two monkeys with a panda. 441 00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:48,155 Gay parents are a huge market, and no one's writing for them. 442 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:51,249 We thought we were sitting on a gold mine. 443 00:20:51,335 --> 00:20:52,793 But we weren't. 444 00:20:54,463 --> 00:20:56,123 - Let's see. - Oh. 445 00:20:56,215 --> 00:20:58,254 - "Gay Parenting." - Oh. 446 00:20:58,342 --> 00:21:00,418 - "Gay Adoptive Parenting." - Okay. 447 00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:02,836 - "Gay Adoption Foreign Children." - Wow. 448 00:21:02,930 --> 00:21:05,218 - "Gay Adoption Asian Children." - What? 449 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,976 - "Bisexual Adoption Asian Children." - Oh! 450 00:21:08,060 --> 00:21:10,052 "Transgendered Adoption." 451 00:21:10,145 --> 00:21:12,814 Okay, come on. Let's go, Miko. 452 00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:20,352 English - US - SDH